...And I Just Couldn't Stop

I’m a nurse at this small community hospital, and we see a variety of cases. But there’s one patient who has been on my mind for weeks now, not just because they’re always here but because I feel like such an asshole about it. His name is Tom... he comes in every few days with the same complaint: severe headaches that come out of nowhere. He’s in his late thirties and looks pretty rough; you can tell he doesn’t take care of himself, but when he speaks to me... well, my heart races and I feel like such a silly teenager again. So here’s what happened recently. The nurse’s station is where we all gather for shifts, and it’s not uncommon to overhear conversations about patients. One day, while Tom was being checked in with another nurse, his file accidentally slid off the desk and landed right next to me. Out of curiosity (and let’s be honest, maybe a little hope) I opened it up. And there it was, in black and white: 'Patient admits to regular alcohol abuse, but denies any use since admission.' It made my stomach churn, here was this guy who clearly wasn’t taking care of himself, lying about his habits... And yet every time he looks at me with those big blue eyes... I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. He’s a patient and needs to be honest for his own health; but something inside of me just wants to support him no matter what. So the other day, when he came in again complaining of another headache, my brain was in overdrive. I wanted to tell him everything I read... that it wasn’t okay to lie to himself or us about how much he drinks. But as soon as I saw his eyes light up at the sight of me, all those thoughts just vanished like smoke. Instead, I told him a sympathetic fib, assuring him it was 'nothing serious' and that he should rest more. I left work that day feeling completely lost in my own head, wondering why I’m so conflicted about this one patient... why his truth means so much to me when there are plenty of others who need just as much help. So here’s the confession: I feel like a terrible person for keeping it from him and lying to make myself feel better. But I also can’t seem to shake off my own insecurities, and worry about what it would mean if he knew how guilty I felt...