my kids are my own personal nightmare squad

so here we go. i have these two lil demons running around the house, calling themselves my kids but honestly they’re just a team of sleep deprivation assassins. my eldest is 6 and has this thing for sneaking into our room like some kind of ninja, always at midnight to talk about how his teeth are wobbly or that he needs to poop. and then there’s the baby, who i swear was placed here by aliens just to see if humans can survive without sleep for a year straight. she gets outta bed at like 4 am every single morning and screams her head off until we feed her. now, my wife and i are trying this thing called co-sleeping but it’s not working because my kids decided they hate each other more than they love naps, so they fight all night long and keep us awake. last week, the baby got a fever and wouldn’t sleep for two nights straight. i was losing my mind by midnight on day two. we tried everything: stories, songs, cold compresses but nothing worked until i accidentally fell asleep holding them both, which felt like having two bricks tied to me. now they think this is how it’s supposed to be because why wouldn’t you want to sleep cuddled up with your parents? am i the asshole for wanting my own bed back or should i just give in and become a human pillow zoo? lol any advice would be appreciated.