kids don't understand

i was always that teacher everyone said cared too much you know like the one who tries way to hard and gets let down all the time. i used to think it didn't matter if they could read or write as long as they felt seen and heard by me. last year this kid jonah came into my class, he had these big brown eyes that made me want to hug him every time we talked. but you know teachers aren't supposed to feel like that, it's not right i guess. so instead of helping him with his writing or showing him how much i care in a healthy way i just gave up on myself a little bit, started marking papers faster and talking less because jonah was making me scared. i saw him today though after school had ended he was crying outside cause some kids were being mean. i tried to help but it felt so fake compared to what i wanted to do which was be his friend. now i don't know if i ever can undo the damage of not caring enough even when it hurt me too.