My Crush at Work Might Hate Me Now

I've been working as a nurse in the same hospital for five years now. My colleague, John, and I have always had this friendly vibe going on, we're like siblings who just sort of coexist because it's what happens when you work side by side every day. But over time, I started to see him differently. Maybe it was his kind smile or how he'd stay late to check on patients even after a long shift. Suddenly, the feeling went beyond friendship and became... something more. I liked being around John because it made me feel special in a way nothing else did. The problem is that I'm not exactly outgoing with my feelings. Whenever I got those butterflies while working together, I'd just do my job better, double-checking everything, trying to be perfect so maybe he'd notice me more or think I was cool. But there's only so much you can hide before it starts eating at your mind. Last week, we were alone in the emergency room after everyone else had gone home for the night. We finished up our rounds early and both of us just sort of collapsed into a chair to rest, too tired from helping patients all day long. That's when I screwed up big time. There was this moment where my hand brushed against his, and instead of pulling away or pretending nothing happened like I normally would, I held onto it. I looked up at him with these huge eyes full of nerves and hope, hoping that he felt the same way deep down somewhere inside but knowing all along there's a good chance he didn't. And you know what? He pulled his hand away so fast, it was like being slapped right in the face. I think he even flinched slightly. Now every time we see each other, I can just tell that awkwardness is there between us now. I feel this weird combination of wanting to take it all back and wishing for a do-over, but also knowing it's probably best if we don't talk about what happened at all. The thing that makes me the most embarrassed is thinking he might actually think less of me because of my little crush. I guess admitting all this out loud finally feels like taking off an extra layer of clothing in the summer, it gets a bit easier with each day that passes, but I still can't help feeling pretty ashamed and guilty about how everything unfolded.