My Secret Love for My Student Is Ruining Me

I'm Ms. Johnson, and I teach third grade at a small elementary school in the suburbs. It's been my dream job since I was a kid, but lately something has started gnawing away at me inside. Last year, I got my first group of kindergarteners to watch over as they transitioned into being big kids in primary school. There was one little boy who just... stuck with me more than the others. His name is Sam and he had these huge green eyes that seemed to be full of all his wonder about the world. He'd ask me questions late at night when the other students had gone home, sometimes just looking at me for an answer even if he already knew it himself. I would catch myself smiling way too much during class just waiting for him to look up and say something. One day after school, we were in my classroom catching up on some work while Sam stayed back to borrow a book from the library corner. We were both feeling tired and down that day because one of his friends had moved away. I looked over at him when he was reading quietly and felt this overwhelming sadness wash over me, what if it happened to him someday too? What would I do then? I've always known I shouldn't, but somehow my feelings have started creeping further and further into the lines of teacher-student professionalism that we're supposed to respect so strictly. Lately, when Sam leaves for recess or lunch break, I find myself staring at his empty desk just wanting him back in class where he belongs again. It's like watching a flower wilt before your eyes but not being able to do anything about it except maybe water it from far away without touching the soil around its roots. That's how I feel now, every single day. My heart hurts knowing this isn't fair to him or anyone else involved. I don't know what will happen next with me and my secret feelings for Sam. Maybe he'll grow out of needing such close bonds with teachers as time goes on, but right now it's eating away at the best parts of me and turning them into shadows.