My Little Lie to Avoid Disappointment

So here's the thing. I'm in my last semester of grad school for psychology, and everything is supposed to be going great, at least on paper. The truth is, I've been struggling more than ever before with anxiety lately. It’s like this weight that drags me down every time I think about the final project due next month. But even when things feel impossible, you still put on a smile and pretend everything's fine because that's what everyone expects from a grad student heading into their last lap, right? Last week, there was an email from my advisor saying she wanted to meet me in her office tomorrow morning for a progress update on the project. I’ve been avoiding those meetings as much as possible this semester since I'm not confident that the work is up to par. So, yesterday evening, when I was having dinner with my friends, I told them excitedly how great everything is going and that my advisor loved what I presented in our last meeting (which actually didn’t happen because of a sick day excuse on my part). They congratulated me and were genuinely happy for me, but the lie tasted sour in my mouth. I know it’s petty. It's not like lying about a progress update is going to impact anyone negatively in any meaningful way except maybe give them a brief moment of disappointment when they find out I was fibbing. But here I am still feeling guilty even though nobody else knows the truth and there are no consequences for what I said. Maybe it’s just part of my anxiety, always being scared that someone is going to discover all the ways I’m falling short of expectations. Tomorrow morning when I walk into her office, I’ll probably try one more time to delay the real conversation about how far behind and unprepared I feel. But after yesterday’s dinner with friends, something feels different this time around, a tiny part of me is tired of lying and wants to face what's really going on instead of covering it up. So there you have it, my small confession of a little white lie that’s been weighing heavy in my heart. I just had to get it out before another day goes by.